to be be be an be be be...



One of the reasons for doing this blog is to help me journal my thoughts as I navigate life. While we all navigate life, we deal with the death of loved ones. At some point, death becomes a very present reality in all of our lives.

I remember the first time I had to experience the pain from losing a special person in my life. Back in the 70’s my grandfather died. That was my first brush with death. I loved my grandfather. He was my mother’s father. LJ Kerne, he owned a gas station by Tulane Stadium and he was a character. He loved to fish and drink! He lived through the depression and survived by working on cars and trucks. I just thought he was the greatest. I had never cried so much in my life when he died.

So needless to say my first experience with death and loss was painful. Fast forward to last year and I watched my mother take her last breath on this earth. Of course I have faith in knowing she is in the presence of her Savior, but I cannot help but miss her.

How do you survive life without a mother? You would think at my age that shouldn’t be a question. But I wonder... I miss her everyday it seems. I want to pick up the phone to call her or stop by her house while I am out, but those days are long gone. Maybe time will heal all things, at this moment I am doubting that. I guess you just learn to deal with the pain of loss.

When my mother died it felt like I lost my world. Hard to explain in words maybe, but I will try. When my mother died, my connection to my father was now gone. My dad died in 2007. Growing up I did not really think of my father as my best friend. But once I came to my senses and began acting like a man, I realized how much my father loved me and how much I wanted him to be a part of my life. He became one of my best friends. 

Over the years I have lost best friends. One of my childhood best friends, Allen died while I was at the Seminary. After returning from the Seminary, I lost Keith. Keith and I had a mutual love for cars and motorcycles and he truly lived life to the fullest. A few years ago my friend Tony died. Tony was the perfect friend. He was always willing to be there for you. 

It’s hard to lose people you love and you almost don’t want to become to close to anyone again. 

Well, back on point. When my mother died last year, I realized that I was now alone in this world. No parents, basically an orphan. Not a good feeling. I wasn’t able to talk to anyone about my father and the man he was. I now have no reason to go to their house and pick up sticks or cut the grass. I can’t walk through his garage and remember him working out there, listening to his music or WWL radio programs. He is gone forever now. It is almost like he never existed and that is painful.

Oh well, not sure if any of this is normal. My mom is gone and all I can say is that I miss her. Just like with my father, all of the memories of my mother and the funny things she did or the comfort I once felt from her hugs are no longer in my life. I imagine if you have lost your parents you might have experienced the same things.

Today I might ride with the top down if its not raining. She loved to ride with the top down in my convertibles over the years. Maybe I will eat a bowl of gumbo also. Maybe I will sit on the swing and remember all the times we rocked back and forth ever so slowly. As a child I loved sitting there with either of my parents. There was some type of special comfort that came from just being there with them. Today I will try to do something to honor her memory and begin to fill in the hole that is in my heart.